Keeping my eyes open...

Here's another article from the past. One that I'm thankful I came across again.
I needed the reminder.

It'll probably be the last I'll dig up for awhile.  Fresh stuff is coming soon!!!! :-)
_____________________________________________________

I love being a mother. I don't always like it though.

 ::gasp::
(I'll pause until your shock wears off - ha ha)

Now, I have friends that might always "like" it. They say things like, "Don't get frustrated at nap time - cherish those moments..." and "just exhale when they do that, it's not that important" and "don't you just LOVE the story this chaotic experience is gonna make when they're older?!"  I usually smile, knowing they're right - but still resisting the urge to punch them.

I love my kids. In a way that has to be supernatural - because it surpasses every ounce of effort I could ever put into loving them.  So this "not liking motherhood sometimes" issue had me a little freaked out.

I knew my life would entirely change once we started procreating, but it's so much easier to accept that dramatic, giant truth when you don't realize what it means on the day to day scale. And once I started to see my new ... identity... begin to unfold, I didn't always like it.

I like traveling. It's difficult to travel with little ones. I like ...no LOVE... to read. It's close to impossible to sit down with a book and read more than 3 sentences without being needed during those "early years". (listen to me - I sound like I have teenagers - ha ha. ::sigh::) I like to sleep...well, enough said.

Something else I've learned about myself is I squint frequently (and not only because my contacts'/glasses' precription is really REALLY old).  I squint when I'm frustrated, confused, angry, tired.....etc. It's like my body naturally tells my eyes to only focus on the object in front of me. I lose all peripheral vision and all my attention is on the thing I'm looking at.

It's not helpful. (and not good for my eyes either)

It's obvious that we need to see a problem from different angles to solve it. When I can see beyond the tip of my nose my blood pressure usually decreases and I start to see the story behind whatever is frustrating me.  And today, on the M5 bus with the girls, making our way home from the gym, I realized I was squinting.

The girls were really crazy antsy. There were just enough people around us for it to be entirely inappropriate. They were accidentally kicking onlookers. They were falling all over the place and elbowing elderly people. (Okay, maybe just one somewhat-grumpy elderly lady.) Every time I'd say through gritted teeth, "Girls. sit. down." or "stop. pushing. each. other." it would just get worse. And as I was squinting I only saw the chaos they were causing.

What made this commute different than most other rambunctious ones is I caught myself squinting.  I made a choice and WILLED my eyes to open wider. Not only did it relieve the headache that was starting, but it expanded what I was focusing on. I began to notice the bright sunshine beaming through the bus. I saw that most of the people (with the exception of previously mentioned elderly lady) were smiling at my kids and whispering about how cute they were. I saw that although their interactions were playground worthy and NOT bus appropriate, they were laughing and loving each other. My heart began to warm up again.

I soaked in the moment.

The tension left my face and I started to smile. I leaned over and whispered to them (whispering always gets their attention), "I love you girls. And I love being your mommy."  To my surprise, Elasia smiled at me with that one smile of hers (the one that I'm SURE is going to cause traffic accidents when she's older) and snuggled up close to me and whispered back, "I love being your daughter, Mommy."

(Now, Qara....well - true to form she took this tender moment as an opportunity to pull her sister's pants down and dump the contents of the entire diaper bag onto the seat she was sitting in. ::sigh:: but she's a charmer herself...in her own special "Qara" sort of way.)

Thankfully before the magic wore off and before I started squinting at the mess Qara had made, our stop was approaching. I quickly shoved everything back into the backpack/diaper bag and scooped them both up and got off the bus.  I let them walk home together in the sunshine rather than carrying Qara. I kept my eyes wide open and admired how cute they were as they skipped together on the sidewalk.

I saw so much:
Qara's little dimply arms (that I seriously have to decide not to bite). Elasia's green bean looking legs that she can somehow move so gracefully. I watched Qara running with abadoned, and as she got closer to the crosswalk, I saw Elasia stop her, hold her hand and wait for me to catch up so we could cross the street together.

I love motherhood. But I know I won't always like it. I think that's okay.

But maybe, if I can remember to stop squinting so much and take in more of the picture, I might become one of those precious friends that people like me want to punch.

just maybe.... ;-)

MMs: Golden Moments

Going through my older posts, I'd love to repost some of the ones that really encouraged me and gave me proper perspective on Motherhood. This one is from 2 years ago.  I still strive to treasure the Golden Moments:
____________________________________________________________

I have these moments that flash through my mind, usually right before bed time that cause chills to creep up and down my back and tears to well up in my eyes. They are Dark Moments of self-doubt. Moments when I forget that the world doesn't rest on my shoulders and there are Hands that hold my children that are much stronger than mine. The cruel instant-replays of harsh words, bad decisions, and missed opportunities to show love to my children.

And there are Golden Moments. Moments when Elasia's eyes sparkle with mischief, sloppy syrupy hugs after pancake breakfast, playing with Qara's spring-like curls after a bath and the cuddles. Oh the cuddles. Watching Elasia patiently teach her little sister something or Qara run up to me confessing something she broke with big, bright apologetic eyes.

Thankfully the scale tips on the golden side of things most days. ::sigh:: Most.

Here's a peek at one of them from Saturday.  We had just come from an early afternoon wedding. We went to cocktail hour with our toddlers and all they had for food was a few chicken nuggets we bought on the walk from the ceremony to the hotel bar where the cocktail hour was being held.  Once we got home, I was expecting whiney, over-tired drama.  But instead...I got this:

A picture is worth a thousands words.

Yes, that is a big ol' bowl of peas that they're ravenously devouring.

No, that is not normal.

Yes, Qara had stripped herself down to only her diaper and the earliest chance she could find.

Yes, that is normal.

We skipped naptime and put them to bed early. And as I sat on the couch after bedtime, with my cup of coffee and "to do" list in front of me, I took a second to be thankful for the Golden Moments. It is proving to be effective ammunition to fight of the sickness in my heart that the Dark ones bring.

MMs: How to Feel Miserable as a Mom...

I saw a very clever rePOST on Facebook entitled "How to Feel Miserable as an Artist" and wanted to pass it on to every artist that I know!  Then as I thought for a second, I realized how true and SURPRISINGLY similar a quick list for mothers would be.  Here's my mother version, barely edited into mother specific terms:

How to Feel Miserable as a Mother
1. Constantly compare yourself to other mothers
2. Talk to your family/friends about what you do and expect them to always cheer you on.
3. Base the success of your entire parenting on one season of your child's life
4. Stick with what you know
5. Undervalue your intuition
6. Let money dictate the quality of your children's lives
7. Bow to societal pressures
8. Only do work that your family will appreciate
9. Do whatever your children ask
10. Set unattainable/overwhelming goals. To be accomplished by tomorrow.

Thank you, whoever wrote the artist list! You get all the credit for this mommy list too.

Motherhood Mondays: Tomorrow's the day!!

You know - people say "Enjoy those early years...it flies by so quickly..." but I kinda disagree.  The first few years of this adventure called Motherhood seemed to drag on and on and on. I feel like I aged 10 years for every week my baby grew. On a micro-level, I adore my children. On a macro-level, I'm STILL trying to figure out what "mothering" entails.

Tomorrow is a HUGE day. Tomorrow morning our living room will be filled with pink balloons and streamers will be hanging from the ceiling. We'll have a cupcake for breakfast and spend most of the day celebrating our fabulous birthday girl.

Elasia Hope will be 5!!!! 

I remember that first year, feeling swallowed alive by this new role in life - 5 years old seemed so far away! And here it is. Here she is. Such a work of art. Such a gift from God. A reminder daily, in our crazy lives, that - as her name means - God is the God of Hope

I'm so excited.......

from this:

to this:

We made it, my precious Bee-Do!! We made it to 5yrs old!!!

love you muchly,
your momma

on being sick as a SAHM...MMs on a Wednesday.

My mind is foggy (hence the Motherhood Monday reflection on a Wednesday), my wit (if there was any) escapes me and I find myself wishing I would have rationed that last swig of DayQuil. (The drugstore seems like 1,000 miles away right now)

I promise I have a high pain tolerance and I'm not generally a "bad" or whiney sick person - my husband always uses the example of when we were in Morocco and a parasite ate a hole in my small intestines and I thought I just had a really bad upset stomach. Or when I was in labor with Elasia and thought it was just "Braxton Hicks" for so long that when I went in to the hospital, I was already 4-5 cm and Elasia was born 4 hours later.

But man, this cold/flu/virus/whatever-this-is has really wiped me out - and for like 6 days already!!!  I thought I was more hardcore than this! I can't think straight, there are piles of tissues on every surface in our apartment, I'm generally exhausted all the time. The coughing, sneezing, headaches, stuffed nose...it's all wearing away at my "hardcore-ness". It's the tediousness of this ....I don't know WHAT it is....that's killing me!

Besides coming to terms with my mortality (ha ha - which is age appropriate now that I'm in my 30's, right?), I realized another rather beautiful thing. 

1 week ago, I felt fine. I also felt rather stressed.  Nothing out of the normal though, just that low-grade stress that most mothers must feel. "Am I forgetting something? What is that smell? Shoot, I didn't take something out for dinner! Why is she crying? Where did she hide my keys? Did I remember to call so-and-so-back or did I just imagine that?"  And the list goes on and on. I believed that I had to hold everything together: in my life, these little dependent lives, and for our family. I'm the team member who "holds down the fort" at home.  It's a lot of weight to carry around (real or exaggerated by my personality) but I didn't mind much. But it was slowly wearing me out.

Then I got sick. Just a silly common mystery cold-flu-virus thing, really - nothing MAJOR. And all of a sudden I could do NOTHING. Seriously. Like on Saturday - it was a major accomplishment to put on my winter coat (over my PJs) hobble down a hill to pick up our girls from ballet and slowly walk back home. I felt like I had just summited Everest. Now, Saturday was the worst of it and every day I've been getting progressively better. But I'm still waiting for that morning when I wake up and feel......normal. 

It's not here yet.

So living on a steady diet of toast, DayQuil/NyQuil cocktails, and lots of water/apple juice, I've realized something.  Life has been happening. The show is going on.  Now this is NOT to underplay the FANTASTIC job my husband is doing at catching EVERYTHING that I'm unable to do in addition to all that he does already. (Babe, you were STELLAR this weekend!!), but I LOVED realizing I'm not that big of a player in regards to the welfare of all of mankind.  Phew. That's a relief! :-)

  I can eek out enough energy to feed the girls, get out a little, clean up a bit after us, play with them/do school with them, heck - we even went ice skating last night. (I was much slower and a lot less daring, but it was bona fide ice-skating!)

I realized that despite my daily tasks that make up the very real job that I have (and no one else can fulfill), a lot of that "stress" I was feeling was unnecessary.  Yes I have to take something out of the freezer by 3 PM if we're going to eat dinner, but if I forget - really - is the world going to end? Exhale, Evita.

Maybe no one else thinks like I do, and you're reading this thinking I'm crazy - but I tend to take responsibility for everything...and if no one is doing something that needs to get done - well I have to do it!

So while I don't enjoy being sick, I'm grateful for the perspective it's helping me have. Because for someone like me - knowing that "it all doesn't depend on me" is EXACTLY what I need to hear to motivate me to take personal ownership and challenge me to revolutionize this world.

...one poopy diaper at a time...;-)

can I introduce you to.....?

So we leave this Saturday for our much anticipated vacation to Costa Rica!! Life's been a bit of a whirlwind (hence the lack of the regular posts), but I can assure you we are all A-okay.

I wanted to introduce anyone who may read this blog to a dear friend and hero of mine. Her little family's story is incredible and their courage/humility is breathtaking.

Please, oh PRETTY please take a moment to meet the fabulous Lester Family.

We really can be a part of the change we want to see in the world. It just takes courage. And so does Motherhood.

We. Can. Do. This.

Oh my GOODNESS!

Monday came and went I totally didn't notice until today!!! (that is a window into the pace my life is running at these days.) Geez Louise. 

Enjoy this great video that I discovered thanks to my FB friend Betsy and I will be back on here soon- for sure!

High-five to all the mommies!

Motherhood Mondays: filled with wonder

My husband's youngest brother had a beautiful wedding this past weekend and both my husband and I were in it. We dragged our travelling circus down to Virginia (that's normally about a 7 hour drive, but with the kiddos it took about 9-10). For me, it was a wonderful yet busy weekend in surburbia, seeing family, crying a few tears of joy, going to a Starbucks (that had a DRIVE THROUGH WINDOW!!). But besides all things GORGEOUS and AMAZING about this wedding, I didn't think I'd have much to say about Virginia. But I do. Just not tonight...I keep nodding off at the keyboard. Stay tuned for a Ode To Lynchburg, VA post... :-)

You know who I loved watching explore "suburbia"? Elasia.  For her, our little trip to Virginia was magical.  And here's 3 reasons why:

• there are Chick-fil-As !! (these amazing restaurants serve her favorite food - chicken - AND have playgrounds attached to them!)
• we got in a car and drove to where we needed to go. No long walking, no trains, no buses, no taxis. Travel time with JUST mommy and daddy felt so luxurious.
• People had their own private piece of grass, rocks and dirt (a.k.a. "yards") not just one central park or green space like NYC.

Watching my girls this weekend, with our extended family, and particularly in Virginia, I was sharply reminded at how boring I can let life be. This is especially a tragedy because when little opportunities come along to "stop and smell the roses" I tend to rush right pass them, shoo-ing my daughters along, insisting there is no time because we have responsibilities to tend to. Then at the end of the day I wonder why motherhood can be so lack-luster. 

So this reflection is short (partly because I'm nodding off with exhaustion  - loooonnnnng car ride) but I want to "bookmark" Elasia's pure ability to be facinated by things that would seem so common to me. This weekend I tried to see things through her eyes and became fascinated again with butterlies, jumping on one foot, strip malls, glittery rocks in gardens, sour pickles, and bubble-wrap packing material.

I think if I can keep reintroducing "wonder" into my adventures as a mother, not only will it help me understand my children better, but it'll make this whole journey A LOT more fun.

So here's to being amazed more frequently, being surprised more regularly and allowing wonder to fill my mind even in the midst of mundane tasks.

Happy Monday, fellow Mommies!

Motherhood Mondays: Futility

Kids are funny little creatures, aren't they?
I think because I know my own kids so well they can have the ability to press my every button to make me scream out of frustration and yet the next SECOND they could have me laughing so hard I'll nearly pee my pants.

::sigh:: ah kids. Sometimes when life doesn't make sense and I'm sure they're going to need years (and thousands of dollars worth) of therapy after they leave home, I stop and realize how FUNNY these children are.

A little while I go, I started emailing my family (all of whom live very far away from us) funny snipets of things the girls would do or say. I noticed a series of one-liners developing...I decided to name it "Futility".
Here's what I've compiled:

• Futility: Being given a choice by Elasia.
• Example -
• Elasia: "Qara which purse do you want? (holding up both a pink and a purple purse)
• Qara: (pointing at the pink one) That one!
• Elasia: Nope.
• Qara: okkkk...(pointing at the purple one) That one!
• Elasia:Nope (and walks away with both purses)
• Futility: Trying to get work done on the computer when your two-year has secretly run off with the cordless mouse and is still within range. I would be typing and windows started popping up/closing, things were getting highlighted - I thought our laptop was possessed. 'Til I looked over to the corner, and there was Qara with a BIG smile on her face, laughing. :-)
• Futility: playing "I spy" with Zaqarah on the subway.
• Example -
• Qara: I spy my liddle eye somefin' BLUE!!
• Me: Is it that big blue sign?
• Qara: NO! It's yours backpack!! (note: the backpack is LIME GREEN!!)
• Futility: staying frustrated at Elasia on a packed subway ride.
• Example -
• Me (through gritted teeth): I. told. you. to. NEVER. let. go. of. my hand. EVER.
• Elasia (very loudly): I knoooow, Mommy, but that man's big belly was in the way. I think he has a baby in there! (pointing right at the man...)

Gotta love 'em, right?

Do you have any "futility" moments that make you smile at their innocence, laugh at their perspective on life or just reveal how silly they are?  Please leave a comment so we can all take a breather and remember that we DO, in fact, love our jobs.

And big "high fives" to each of you Fabulous Mommies!! You are changing the world one diaper change, one tear wiping, one disciplinary moment... one sleepless night at a time.

Motherhood Mondays: the gift that "grace" is.

**Bits of my weekend is on a bit of a hiatus. Stay tuned - it'll come back one of these days**

Tomorrow (erm...today, I guess as it IS 1:?? AM) Zaqarah Grace Gahagan will turn 3 years old. I remember, like it was yesterday, double and triple checking that pregnancy test.  Surely I wasn't pregnant!! Elasia was still nursing all. the. time.  What's a "period" anyway?!  But after the second test I swallowed the fact - we were having ANOTHER baby.

I felt like I was drowning in the crushing expectations of motherhood already, barely catching my breath in the mornings to charge head-long into days of the tedious demands of mothering 8 month old. I didn't think I was doing anything right. Anything. And here I was, going to have another one.  Most of what I was feeling (which now I know was Postpartum Depression) was chemical. Things went wacky in my brain and cause me to distort reality.

Reality: I was a pretty good first-time mom. I was tenacious with breastfeeding, even though I had to really work on that latch and Elasia had reflux. I was meticulous at filtering through all the propaganda information out there and deciding what would benefit our little family. I wasn't a germ-o-phobe, but kept things relatively clean and safe. Elasia seemed like she had the potential to be a happy person despite the eternal bouts of colic.

But I didn't see this. I would whisper prayers through tears during late night feedings, "Oh God help. Oh God help."  Nothing theologically complicated, just the plea of a young mom whose mind had turned on her. 

Adam, who was struggling with his own expectations of what parenthood would be like versus our reality, was really amazing during this time. But that's a whole other post in itself. He saw my deer-in-the-headlights look when we talked about this second pregnancy and did what any dreamily hot church-going guy would do. He prayed. And a few days later he came to me a said something like, "Babe, I know it seems like life is crazy, but I feel like this baby is a gift. Not generically, but specifically. I feel like this baby is a reward. God sees all the details of our lives here in NYC and is telling us He's proud of us." 

Okay.

Thanks.

I chose to believe that. We searched and searched for the perfect name and when we found out, around 27 weeks or so, that it was a girl, we knew she would be called Zaqarah Grace - which means "God's Gracious Reward."

On August 24, 2007 - from that first breath at 9:40 PM on a Friday night, she was (and continues to be) exactly that. Now, I know there are actually medical explanations for this and here's my I'm-not-a-doctor-but-googled-it-enough-to-say-it-with-authority explanation: The post-partum hormones I experienced after Qara actually kicked my brain back in gear rather than compounding my PPD.  I felt like I snapped out of it. I had "space" for Elasia's tantrums (as she was 17 months old then) while nursing a newborn with one hand and sweeping the floors with the other.  I still (even now) have days when I feel like a thick dark fog is threatening to swallow me, but they are so few and far between compared to what I thought was normal motherhood before Qara came.

I feel able to truly enjoy the complex creature that Elasia is. I look at her and see a phenomenal world-changing girl who kids will read about in their history books one day...probably. Instead of seeing a tornado of chaos I (usually) see two sisters enjoying each other and discovering the world together.

Besides the science, I can't help but see Divine fingerprints in this. It's like He heard my midnight cries and saw all those tears and gave me a life-saver: A baby who would nurse/gain weight just fine. Who would grow to be a toddler with PERFECT comedic timing and lots of hugs to spare. Who liked to smush her face on my cheek just because.  Who had an infectious belly-laugh and a spritely little nature.

Who would cause me to have a heart attack at LEAST once a week because of her fearlessness at the playground. Who might not revolutionize nations in the same way her sister would, but will, nonetheless, with her own uniquely endearing charm.

I was given "grace" in the form of an unexpected baby.

Dictionary definition says it so well - each definition seems so specific to what her birth brought into my life:

grace (grs)

n.

1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion.

2. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement.

3. A sense of fitness or propriety.

4. a. A disposition to be generous or helpful; goodwill.

b. Mercy; clemency.

5. A favor rendered by one who need not do so; indulgence.

6. A temporary immunity or exemption; a reprieve.

7. a. Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.

b. The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.

c. An excellence or power granted by God

I'm going to enjoy celebrating her tomorrow and watching her round little face light up when she opens her presents. But I'm also going to try to remember the gift I was given called "grace".  I don't have to drown in this thing called "motherhood".

If only I could remember that every day...

Happy Birthday, My little Mugga-Moo.

Motherhood Mondays: On being a nostalgic mommy

Maybe it's the anesthesia from the intense dental appointment I had earlier today, maybe it's the fact that my parents are heading back to Florida after a WONDERFULLY long and indulgent visit, maybe it's because overnight (!) my youngest daughter can suddenly string long sentences (that make sense!) together...I dunno. Whatever the reason is, I'm feeling nostalgic. 

Forgive me, I'm really not trying to be corny. Reality is, I'm profoundly grateful for the life I have right now and I am most definitely looking forward to the years to come. So I can't help feeling the twinge of guilt when I catch myself longing for "yesterday".  It makes me laugh, too....I know.  I JUST turned 30. I don't have many "yesterdays" to my credit. But in my defense, I see this in my daughter Elasia too. She's only 4 and she already keeps a "treasure box" where she puts sentimental things that are important to her - so she can look at them whenever she wants and ....remember.

After a quick google or two here's what I found:
This beautiful painting by Mirjana Gotovac and a handy definition.
nos·tal·gi·a
n.

1. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.
2. The condition of being homesick; homesickness.

"Bittersweet". Yep. I agree. Bitter = we can't recreate those memories and, besides, they're probably glossed over and exaggerated a bit in our flawed mind's retelling of the story. But that longing, that homesickness is sweet too. Nostalgia almost always brings a smile to my face. And I think it's playing a critical role in my ability to "mother".
 
Life can seem so overwhelming to me sometimes. Motherhood can tend to require EVERYTHING that I'm not good at - all at the same time. Every. day.  And I don't have the mental fortitude to "leave it all at the job" most days. If I screw up, I'm acutely aware that little lives are affected.
 
Nostalgia comes to the rescue.  Like a tiny cheerleader (but less annoying) inside my brain I hear, "Remember the sunlight hitting on Elasia's face when they were happily playing in the garden?!"  "Remember that vulnerable little newborn cuddle-bug that you named Zaqarah?!" "Remember how much fun you had as a kid just 'playing' with no developmentally appropriate stimuli forced on you?!"
 
yes. I remember. And I can do this. 
 
Whenever I feel nostalgic I like to look through pictures. It's entirely self-indulgent, but why do anything halfway, right? :-)  I'll spare you the family slide shows - but I can't wait to go through quite a few later, after I put these kids to bed. Beside the obvious "remember when my kids did..." memories, random memories help keep my life in perspective. Pictures of my favorite spots in NYC, the bike I learned to ride when I was little, beautiful people I've had the privilege of  knowing....When I'm drowning in the sea of mommyness, these things frame my current story. And they provide a pretty riveting plot that my kids get to be a part of too. (Does that make sense? And I'm getting too artsy-fartsy? Sorry. I blame this whole entire entry on Dr. Masaiah, D.D.S.)
 
It's good to feel alive and "in the moment" and yet nostalgic. Hm...I think that anesthesia is wearing off. Time to go pop some Advil and lay down.  I'll leave you with few memories that are bringing smiles (crooked, half numb smiles) to my face today.

This is a beautiful, crowded and dusty bookstore in the Upper Westside. Stores like this give me a sense of adventure. (I've always been a bookworm, though). And the anonymous person's rear-end is added comedic relief.

This beautiful lady was once a well-know ballerina here in NYC. She now lives in a nursing home, but is still so gracious in her movements and a great lunch date.

my "regular" subway stop by Rockefeller Center when I used to teach ESL

love these girls...

and I love laughing and living life with this man.

(we were trying to bulge out our biceps to make it look like we were buff.)

I'm grateful for memories. They get me through difficult days and put an extra bounce in my step during the good days.

Happy Monday, fellow Mommies.

Bits of my weekend - Volume 12 A Visit Down South!

For my birthday Adam bought a plane ticket for me to visit my dear friend Deb in South Carolina. I've been counting down the days until this trip! My parents flew in to help Adam with the kiddos and I was on my way!

I had such. a. great. time.

I just love this woman. There's a reason we've been friends for 11+ years.  She's golden. Here's a glimpse into our weekend! (and, it'll be no surprise...there are  lots of pictures of food...:-) )

Their beautiful front porch. For this New Yorker it was a novelty. It even had a swing!!

Saturday morning: One of my favorite breakfasts!

Then we were off to the gym - trying to make a way (calorie-wise) for the festivities to come!

(note: this gym was SO impressive! A movie theater/cardio room, FREE childcare, pool...the amenities go on and on. And the price per month?!?!?!  Let's just say it's 1/3 of my NYC gym membership.  Geeesh)

Mmmm, lunch. Nachos.

Yes, this is a peach-shaped water tower, despite the fact that it looks like someone's rear-end when you drive by it.  And now I digress from my junior high moment of levity.  ha ha.

Saturday evening was Girls Night out. Started with...

pedicures!

Then we drove into Augusta, GA to have dinner here:

Oh. My. Word.  Okay, look - I'm Puerto Rican. I grew up eating REALLY delicious pork. But the pork chops with carmelized onions, apples and feta cream from this place brought tears of joy to my eyes. Yum.

They're known for their towering slices of creative cakes too.

then in true Girls-Night-Out fashion, we were off to see:

Overall opinion of the movie: Eh, it's alright. Probably didn't help that I just saw Inception a week ago and my mind is still reeling from that. Hard to live up to those standards. But worth the money.

Sunday morning:

Deb's mom had these waiting for us on the kitchen counter, bought from a local Mennonite farmer's market. I don't know WHAT it is about Mennonite people, but every where you go, if their baked goods are for sale -buy it. It's ALWAYS GOOD.

We drove in to Charlotte, North Carolina to explore/be tourists before I flew out early Monday morning.

On the way, I asked Deb if we could PRETTY PLEASE eat at the Cracker Barrel.

Gotta love the rocking chairs outside. All those calories in the "Old Timer's Breakfast" never tasted so good!

Driving in to Charlotte we noticed ALL the water fountains were purple. I googled it on my phone. The reason: McDonald's was introducing their new purple colored smoothies, now available on their menu.  Really?

 And then I thought to myself, "We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto."

We met up with some friends who live in the area for light dinner and coffee at this impressively trendy cafe' in Charlotte's artsy-fartsy area known as NoDa. (for NOrth of DAvidson)

It's called Amelie's French Bakery. It is here that I encountered this fabulous treasure:

I have a hit-or-miss camera phone - so sorry it doesn't look as decadent and luxurious as it really was. This, my friends, is a chocolate Creme Brulee'.  Yum.

The layout of this place is so whimsical and creative. I found myself missing what was going on at our table because I would get distracted by all the pretty things  - everywhere.  They have the most unique chandeliers/light fixtures.  Here's a few shots of my favorites.

tile mosaic one

kitchen utensils chandelier

marbles, stones and gems

classic yet whimsical

sassy lighting!

So pretty - ooo la la!

Then I flew back in to NYC this morning.  It's so good to see my babies, but I will absolutely cherish this extravagant weekend with the bestie.  Good times.

Much love from Hamilton Heights!!

Motherhood Mondays: tribute to Erma

Erma Bombeck was such an interesting lady and her legacy is a role model-type example for me. She was a popular American humorist and a very real mother. Through her writings she came along side the mothers of the U.S. and Canada and made them smile, helped them retain that ever-elusive "positive" perspective, and reminded them that they weren't alone.

I like reading her stuff. I would've just loved her if I had gotten a chance to be her friend. From what I've read, it seemed like even if you disagreed with her politically - if you were a mom, she made you feel like you were on someone's radar or at least understood. (Want to read more about her? Click here.)

So today's Motherhood Monday is a tribute to Aunt Erma. We could use a few of these voices now-a-days.
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When God Created Mothers
by: Erma Bombeck

 When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into his sixth day of “overtime” when an angel appeared and said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.”


And the Lord said, “Have you read the specs on this order?

• She has to be completely washable, but not plastic;

• Have 180 movable parts... all replaceable;

• Run on black coffee and leftovers;

• Have a lap that disappears when she stands up;

• A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair;

• And six pairs of hands.”

The angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pairs of hands... no way.”

“It’s not the hands that are causing me problems,” said the Lord. “It’s the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have.”

“That’s on the standard model?” asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. “One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, ’What are you kids doing in there?’ when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn’t but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, ’I understand and I love you’ without so much as uttering a word.”

“Lord,” said the angel, touching His sleeve gently, “Go to bed. Tomorrow...”

“I can’t,” said the Lord, “I’m so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick... can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger... and can get a nine-year-old to stand under a shower.”

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed.

“But she’s tough!” said the Lord excitedly. “You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure.”

“Can it think?”

“Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise,” said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told You You were trying to push too much into this model.”

“It’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “It’s a tear.”

“What’s it for?”

“It’s for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride.”

“You are a genius,” said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. “I didn’t put it there,” He said.

MMs: On being that "one mom".

I've always known her.
She was always someone else's mom...until recently.

 She had an amazing "top secret" recipe for chocolate cookies, lasagna, cocktails....you name it. With her preschoolers, she knew over 100 fun things to do with a paper plate, coffee filter, and toilet paper roll. She "distracted" instead of getting frustrated. She actually deeply enjoyed her children and didn't have to give herself pep talks that she had made the right decision. (to stay at home, to go back to work, whatever it was...)

She had consistently shaved legs.

She always had a batch of homemade play-dough on hand when her kids were antsy. She only uses agave nectar as a sweetner.

She stopped being someone else's mom about 4 years ago. That's when I had Elasia. And this "person" that I had subconciously created in my mind - that had actually robbed me of hours that could have been spent being grateful for my own PERFECT-for-me mother - then morphed into "that ONE mom".

When Elasia was born, I didn't realize it at the time, but I had postpartum depression. So that ONE mom was the one who could get out of her PJs before lunch time. She never broke down in uncontrollable sobs when her newborn woke up "early" from a nap. Her house may not have been perfect, but at least she could get the laundry done before her husband would have to wash a pair of underwear in the sink out of desperation. She lived in a constant state of "I was MADE for Motherhood - this is GREAT!"  She made me sick and envious at the same time.  She gave me great ideas every once in a while, but mostly she just made me feel smaller and smaller and.....smaller....until I had almost lost who I was.

After the birth of my second child, I still felt "behind" in life, but I didn't feel like that dark cloud was going to swallow me alive every day. I started to watch my newborn and my 17 month old interact so beautifully - birds seemed to chirp, the sun shone brightly and I could breathe.

Fast forward 3-4 years. I woke up one morning and realized I had nothing on the agenda! I decided to pack the girls up and spontaneously drive to Connecticut with a friend of mine. We had a PERFECT day getting our "suburban" fix: going to a mall and eating in a food court. My kids loved it. We drove back into Manhattan that evening and I had a crockpot of wonderful dinner waiting for us.

After dinner, the girls and I snuggled and read books before bed time and for some miraculous reason they didn't protest as I left the room.  I felt content. And then it hit me: I WAS that ONE mom!!!!

!!!!!

This should have made me feel accomplished, almost victorious, like some life long enemy had been defeated. But instead, I felt hollow. Why? Because I KNEW me. If I really "was" that ONE mom, then I was an incredible dissapointment. Not everyday was that perfect, in fact, they were an exception.

Call it "mommy guilt", "unhealthy comparisons" or whatever pop-psychology term that fits, here's what I started to learn that night:

On one side of the coin: That ONE mom must die.

She doesn't deserve to exist in our minds robbing us of the precious time we have in this life with our loved ones. When that ONE mom is haunting me in my mind, I am blind to see how priceless the moments are that I have with my kids. Always thinking of what I can't do/haven't done, I don't appreciate what IS actually happening that is oh-so-very good.

On the other side of the coin: I am that ONE mom!

The idea that someone else is a better mother than I am is toxic. It has to end in my mind. I was, in fact, created to do this. And these babies, who WERE pieced together and formed in MY womb, were literally and figurately made for ME. In order to appreciate who we are as mothers we've got to KNOW who we uniquely are as a person.

Who I am:
I am not always a "nice" person, but I can be pretty darn funny. I'm not always the most organized person, but I can make people feel loved and at home in my little apartment. I'm not the best "think-ahead" planner, but I'm laid back enough to enjoy spontaneity. I love to dissect philosophy and laugh A LOT. I love stories. I'm really bad at "seeing" messes that my husband knows exists before he even walks through the door.  I can come across as bossy when I'm actually just excited about helping out. I'm really bad at keeping in touch with extended family and friends, but I'm fiercely loyal.....

This person - Evita - is who my children need. On one hand, they don't NEED that ONE mom to raise them.  On the other hand, I AM that ONE mom in their lives.  Elasia and I love people together. Qara and I make people laugh together.  We are a family team. And I was hand picked to play my unique part.

Honestly, this is a daily fight for me. I don't want my time wasted in useless comparison or feeling inferior. I still haven't figured out how to balance being a housekeeper, mom, and wife along with all the other roles I play.

And yes, I may have a killer (and top secret) lasagna recipe and YES we have picnics in our living room and make crafts with all kinds of things. But that's not because I'm striving to be someone I'm not. It's because that's who I am.

That ONE mom.

MMs: Stay tuned...

I've had an idea in mind that's been mulling around for a few days. I think it may need a bit more time marinating before I can articulate it properly. Tune in next Monday when I try to get it out.

In the meantime - enjoy the video. One of my new favorite authors, Katherine Center, wrote the essay for it. (the words are below) and the pictures and thoughts are just beautiful.

Remember what we're doing as mothers truly matters.



WHAT I WOULD TELL HER: (If I knew what to say.)


You are a miracle.

And I have to love you this fiercely: So that you can feel it even after you leave for school, or even while you are asleep, or even after your childhood becomes a memory.

You’ll forget all this when you grow up. But it’s okay.

Being a mother means having your heart broken.

And it means loving and losing and falling apart and coming back together.

And it’s the best there is. And also, sometimes, the worst.

Sometimes you won’t have anyone to talk to.

Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’ve forgotten who you are.

But you must remember this: What you’re doing matters.

And you have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.

The truth is, being a woman is a gift. Tenderness is a gift. Intimacy is a gift. And nurturing the good in this world is nothing short of a privilege.

That’s why I have to love you this way. So I can give what I have to you. So that you can carry it in your body and pass it on.

I have watched you sleep. I’ve kissed you a million times. And I know something that you don’t, yet:

You are writing the story of your only life every single minute of every day.

And my greatest hope for you, sweet child, is that I can teach you how to write a good one.

MMs: on a Tuesday.... ha ha

Due to technical difficulties I was unable to post yesterday. But that's just like being a mom, eh?

Well I came across Kate Davis the other day.  I know she's no one new to so many people - but I think we'd be best friends.  I love to laugh. I love to look at the bright side of almost any situations.

But my weakest muscle where humor is concerned is when I'm frustrated at my life as a mother.  I could learn so many great lessons from Kate.

This video is an overview/buffet of tips and funny solutions, and gives you a feel for why I think she's great.


And here's a link to her website if you want to check out more about her.

Enjoy fellow mommys.  You ARE incredible.

Let's laugh a lot with our kids this week - even when we feel like they make us want to rip our hair out!!

Motherhood Mondays: Facing my biggest fear.

(If you stick with me on this longer Motherhood Mondays post - I'll let you into a very tender, vulnerable place in my heart - in hopes that you can feel the cyber-hug when your days are even remotely similar.)
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Nothing new: A lot comes to the surface when you feel just a tiny bit over-extended and you're operating on less than ideal amounts of sleep.

Something new: I had a melt-down a week ago.

Here's the lead up story....:

Once upon a time, a loooong time ago (if feels like it, but it was about 14 days ago), two toddlers conspired not to nap. Now, whether or not they slept was irrelevant to their mother - but the short break that the nap represented was critical.

It would not happen.

There was crashing coming from their room, things breaking, feathers being pulled out of pillows, and an entire sock drawer contents dumped on the floor.  Every 15 minutes their mom found herself having to go in, discipline, redirect, (insert various good parenting technique here) blah blah blah. It was grating.

Finally the momma gave up. She brought the two precious/over-tired girls out of their room and the three of them just sat on the couch - mutually exhausted from the war that had ended in a stalemate. She was fighting off guilt as she replayed every visit she paid to their room trying to enforce the nap. She declared herself selfish.

The more "emotionally aware" older toddler hugged her mommy and apologized for not sleeping which only made the mother feel more despicable. The oblivious younger toddler decided to use her mother as a jungle gym until she regained consciousness.

The rest of the evening involved a husband calling to say he was leaving work later than he thought, a botched dinner menu and a failed attempt at a bath (unless you could call getting some of their body sort of wet - then it was a success) and the realization that she had TOTALLY forgotten to do 3 things on her looming "to do" that would make those items "late". As the mother shut the toddlers' door at bedtime and felt like she was crawling emotionally out to the kitchen to clean up the mess - something sinister was happening.  Her broken heart began to harden.

She felt cold on the inside. Her husband walked through the door and could probably tell something had shut off. After a good handful of other things to do, finally lying in bed next to each other - at around...1:00 AM - he opened Pandora's Box.

Adam: Babe, are you okay?
Me: (Silence. Then a muffled noise.)
Adam: Huh?
Me: I said that I'm fine. Just a long day.
Adam: Oh.
Me: (sniffling.)
Adam: Hmmm. Is there anything I could do tomorrow that didn't get done today?
Me: No. I'm fine. It'll be fine. (more sniffling)
Adam: Okay. Good night, I love you. (rolling over)
Me: (trying desperately to stay silent while crying pretty intensely now.) I just....(sobbing)
Adam: (rolling back over and putting his hand on my face) ....yeah?
Me: I'm just terrified.....I'm just so scared of being really bad...at...at...something THIS important....(sobbing into the pillow)
Adam: (holding me) (silence)
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Now, the rest of that conversation went well into the wee hours of the morning and while important in-and-of-itself, it's this little part of my melt-down I wanted to focus on.

Ever since Elasia was born (4 years ago) and my "Sweet chubby cherub blissfully sleeping in her crib" picture was shattered with the reality of a reflux-colicky-underweight-passionate little screamer - I've had this looming...."something" that I've been running away from.

I labelled it "insecurity" and would tell myself over and over that I AM a good mom. Friends would tell me that I'm doing a great job. My mother is proud of me. Even more note-worthy, my mother-IN-LAW is very proud of me. I have an incredible husband who most days whispers in my ear, "You're doing an amazing job, babe." 

What is my DEAL?!

It was this melt down that got me to say it.  I just had to spit it out - be it with tears, snot, and sobs.  I am TERRIFIED!! 

Instead of facing my biggest, most fattest, scariest fear - I was used to ignoring it, leaving it unidentified, and moving on.  Every time it would creep up on me I would shrug it off and assure myself that "I can do this, damn it. I'm a worldchanger!!" (of course, I would NEVER say "damn" out loud - I'm not a NY potty mouth!)

I've had a parasite eat a hole through my intestines in Morocco, a worm make its home in my calf from swimming in a river in Bolivia. I've bungee-jumped and I LOVE roller coasters. I've always wanted to go to the hardest most needy area of the world and "make a difference".  But here I was holding this tiny helpless bundle of pure potential - and I was SCARED OUT OF MY MIND.

Not addressing this directly had really just hurt the situation. Two kids later and a few years into this adventure and my fuse had grown shorter, my capacity seeming to shrink by the day, and the list I was keeping in my head of failures could wallpaper the Empire State Building.

Having a Christian world-view, I knew the right answer was "God is in control", but my jittery heart couldn't digest that. Which only made me feel worse.

That night, crying and talking through things with my husband I watched (with the eyes of my heart) a big, fat, scary, Bully named Fear shrink before my eyes.

BECAUSE I FACED IT.  I just said it. And now - I don't feel alone. Now, I know my enemy.
There's something so liberating about turning the light on in the dark-scary-room to see what it is you were so scared of in the first place.

Running away from problems never solved them. Pretending they don't exist doesn't either.

So, somehow - on the other end of all those tears I have a deeper assurance that things are going to be alright.  As I kiss those chubby cheeks and laugh at their silly antics and firmly discipline their bad choices...and yes, lose it all together sometimes - I'm finding a new/deeper resolve. It will be okay. I love these children with all of my heart. I am loved with an Everlasting Love. And He loves my children more desperately than I do.  And the Punk throwing the sucker punches? Oh, his name is Fear - and I've got a good right-hook myself - thankyouverymuch.


In the words of the wise G.I. Joe, "Knowing is half the battle!"

Let's do this thing called "motherhood".
Bring it.